—Say It Right
Insomniatic State of Mind
Wayne Dyer once said that the state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind. I’ve spent some sleepless nights thinking about where I am and where its all heading towards. It’s hard not to when it feels like all of a sudden, decisions I make matter, have domino effects and the burden of loans grows heavier in my pockets. College life can be stressful. Hey I’ve been close to crack under it’s whip a couple of times. But I am still here standing. Priorities have changed and desires have grown, it’s illuminating and even overwhelming for me as I take it all in.
Music has been the key to my heart for the last three years since the first domino flipped over. Life has taken it’s usual roller-coaster ups and downs, which is still hard to adjust but I’m too determined and maybe even naive to keep going. I feel like I’m in a better place nonetheless. I feel safe and warm. I love the way the beats cloud my mind, how the lyrics seep into my bloodstream and give me the adrenaline, the mood moves me, molds me. I’m not crazy, the music has become my supplement. That’s the most basic explanation I came up with anyway.
It’s silly, but when people ask me how I am, I instinctively run through a routine play by play that means nothing at all to me. I can’t really say how I am. I’m too busy looking forward to really digest these last three years in peace and calm. Evaluating can be intimidating. For me it is. I’ve sat in bed thinking these very thoughts I am writing. My inclination to explain, to understand, is my music. Laying there, feeling warm and safe.
I’ve search through my collection, hoping to find the answer. A possible answer. And believe you me, I listen to that Spears discography, wanting, yearning for a place within the minutes in those songs. No match. Three years…and I think I may have found not the answer, but a good enough one for now.
See, you mean nothing at all to me at the end of the day since I cannot sit here and appreciate you like I should. Do I care? Deeply and sincerely. But it’s always up in the air, it’s hard to explain. But it captures it so well, the connection is there. My will isn’t broken, but it’s slipped from my hands. In this transitory battle between will and control. The guard cannot be torn it seems, but I reach out as high as I can behind it’s wall. Superficial indifference could mean everything to me.
Let the music in if it hasn’t already. It’s quite liberating…quite nice.
I may not know much, but it’s building, something is awaiting just around the bend. Closing my eyes makes it easier to write, to explain. It’s a slow motion of time, but it’s persistence that keeps me going. Observing it all, I love what it feels like.
